hep. take a breather.

i find that life comes in phases. one time, you’ll find life so uneventful and boring that you begin to nitpick and question everything. next, you’ll find that life hurls everything but the kitchen sink at you that you just want to zone out. bored. nitpick. battered. zone out. chill. think of what’s next.

i’m somewhere in that zoning out part right now. recently, to say that things have been chaotic is to put it nicely. i’ve never thought of myself as that resistant to change, but when it haunts you at home, at work, when you’re with your friends, it can be a tad overwhelming. gawd, for crying out loud, i’ve got this 3 gigantic zits in my face (oo, mayabang na, but when i get zits, that’s a very bad sign.) i’ve already got them named — BEA, youtube and mike (oo mike, i’m holding you responsible for this. you owe me pond’s. =p) but i say, boo-hoo, have a cry over it, be a bratinella if you need to, but then move on. zone out and chill. speak in abbreviated sentences.

as with any muni-muni moment, i usually take a trip down nostalgia lane to calm myself down. i got reoriented with friendster and multiply, and retroed while reading all my past posts and testimonials. it was kind of funny, actually, when i got to reading the oldest testimonials — these were posts by my high school friends. if you were only getting to know me for the first time, you’ll get the impression that i was this patient, uber-nice and perky person who would never complain about anything. i could already hear my officemates’ eyebrows hitting the roof. “Si Ish?! Patient?? On what alternate universe?!”

i know i’ve changed my stance in a lot of ways, but it never really sinked in this much. i guess in challenging times, you get to know who you are, who you want to be, or at least who you were all along. for the record, i’ve never really believed that soul-searching for who you are would solve anything — what mattered was that you’re happy with whoever you are at a given time.

so that brings us to the question — am i happy with who i am now? the reborn brat who needs to put on the brakes and grow up? (fyi, i’m still debating with myself if that’s a need.) i found that i may be weaker and more vulnerable now than the disciplined thinker i was then. but there’s something with being a feeler that’s just draws you in; i guess any brand-new feeling is impossible to resist. well, one thing’s for sure — i’m happy that FINALLY i’m able to detach myself from my work (o SWAT, paki-baba uli ng kilay.) now i understand that work is just work. i finally got it through my thick head that work does not define me. big feat, trust me.

so there goes zone out; this is probably the chill phase. so, what’s next?

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