Getting bigger is more than just fitting into your older siblings’ clothes.

It’s more than finally getting the freedom to stay out as late as you want.

It’s realizing that the world is vast, and yet we’re closer to each other than you might think.

It’s knowing that no matter how much space you take up, there’s always room for improvement.

It’s realizing that at the end, all you really need, all you really wanted in life, was there right at the start, right at the moment you were born — people who are simply happy that you came into this world.

There’s a 99% chance that it’s just hormones, but today I found myself missing how random my days* used to be. It’s amazing to be independent, but sometimes you realize that having total control of your life doesn’t live up to the hype all the time. It actually baffles me as to why I’m whining — I can distinctly remember moments in my life when I wished the world would stop spinning.

I know it’s not possible to have an adventure every single day, but I still find myself wishing it was so. If anybody has figured out how to make that work, please please please let me know. 🙂

* I wanted to say ‘how random my life used to be’, but then again it sounded like something out of a Twilight emo monologue. =P

I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s finding yourself with your kindred souls. Finding your own wavelength amidst the noise. Where you don’t need to explain nor apologize for who you are. Where relating is as easy as breathing. Then leaving all that, and you’re not able to fit in anywhere else. Even when I’m already having fun, it’s as if everything reinforces how I miss how things used to be.

but it can do wonders for your blog, apparently. i hate emo attacks — it’s like the anti-endorphin. all that cardio gone to waste, because you fell for the mope-until-a-friend-snaps-you-out-of-it trap.

i realize that i haven’t blogged for a while (thanks KE for reminding me!). although, i’ve been jotting down snippets of my thoughts for when those emo attacks strike — mostly during long commutes when i unfortunately have to listen to myself whimper. looking back, most of them were not so bad as i thought they were; they all passed and i survived them, didn’t i? sometimes it’s good to be reminded of your lapses in character, so that you also remember that you were able to move past them.

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09/07 – After another OT at the office, sprinkled with truckloads of family drama

The only good thing with having a totally crappy day is that things could not be possibly get worse the next day.

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09/08 – Somewhere between the walk from the MRT to our house

At some point of our lives, each of us here must have wept on our own. Out of frustration. Out lof loneliness. Out of utter helpless ness. Even the toughest guys were born with tearducts.

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09/17 – A rare glimpse of sunlight

I think I found the key. You can’t help but compare yourself with others, but at least make it a point of comparing yourself with people you actually would want to turn out to be. There’s no point in crying foul on why a doofus seems to get all the breaks, when you want to have totally nothing in common with that doofus.

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09/22 – After catching myself yet again asking questions without no answers

This is the curse of having a mind made for math. You’ve gotten used to putting everything into neat, elaborate equations, that when you realize that life doesn’t really work out that way, you feel stupid or worse, inadequate. Inadequate in all the things that matter – chance, talent, charm, intuition, endless permutations of these.

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09/22 – Yeah, I know, pathetic, it was the same afternoon

Is this what normally happens after college? It seems like I’m always at the crossroads and everyone’s honking their horns for me to make up my mind.

one of the greatest appeals of getting a new job in a foreign country is the chance to reinvent yourself. frankly, my plan was just to be stupid but happy — the type you’d never mistake to be that cranky workaholic in her past life. work was just work, and after my 9-to-5 desk job, i’ll either jog, dance or cook. i didn’t even bother to correct people when they call me by my full first name (which i never allowed others to do before); it was all part of the show. yep, to be mediocre but happy.

but i guess God just wasn’t ready to give up on me. nosiree. i’m still thinking if it’s a blessing or a challenge, but by some stroke of luck, i landed in company whose management style wasn’t far from HP’s. that means flat hierarchy, proactive initiatives, WLB, but also the high-stress, high-expectations environment that comes with the perks.  i wanted to keep a low profile, to be that officemate you never realized you worked with until after about 2 years when she resigns, but maybe that’s just not in the cards. it’s like that chore that you try to avoid but secretly like, the chore that always comes back for you.

the Man Upstairs sent an angel to give a pep talk during our onboarding, and she made me think about reconsidering my play-stupid plans. honestly, she managed to awaken in me something i thought was doomed to die. thank You, Lord, for this wake up call, for making me realize that maybe i can be happy, but not totally let go of who i am. hopefully, i can do enough to show You that i really appreciate this.

whoever you are right now, ROCK THE PART.

wherever you are, you’re right where you should be.