i’ve been known to corrupt the sanity of my peers; i guess i just have that effect. i highly doubt i was put on this earth for humanity’s enlightenment. in fact, i highly doubt that anyone was put on this earth for anything. once you get rid of the notion that we’re here for some higher reason other than our species just refuses to die out, then it liberates you to actually just live. just exist. and just die out like any normal being. none of that messianic gibberish.

it’s a sad, futile cycle, really. we prod, we stress, we overcompensate — only to find a void still there, which eats away from inside out. sorry, i know it’s so emo, but i can’t seem to shake it off for now.

it’s both amusing and sad, actually, how articulate we get when we’re down.

————

they say luck is the lazy man’s excuse for not working for anything.

well, come to think of it, yeah. the only question is if the lazy are whiny, or if the optimistic are delusional.

Most times, I take it for granted, but I just realized that I really am surrounded by AMAZING people.

For example, to my sister Ate Ting — you’re amazing. You have the biggest vault of patience out of everyone I’ve ever known, and you’re not stingy with it. You never asked to look after a little sister like me, and I know for a fact that I can be quite a handful. You know when to just be agreeable, and even more, you know when to give me a good smack in the head. You turned not only me, but also Ikay, into Photoshop nuts (and I haven’t even gone around to teaching you the guitar or HTML yet, after all these years. You’re simply amazing.

To my teammates, Mike & Jan — you’re amazing. As I’ve already told Jan, you two are among — if not the biggest — the factors why I probably am still sticking around. I never really saw myself in something so corporate, but you guys make it seem homey — no, actually, it’s more like a playground. You guys are amazing.

To my partners in goofiness and all other crimes, Rhea & Liz — you’re amazing. There’s never been a time when you guys failed to crack me up. Yet, even when I’m in the lowest of lows, you guys are also the same ones I turn to. I consider myself soooo lucky to find buddies with the same wavelength. You’re amazing.

To Bugsy — need I say it? You’re amazing. We all are so into our own things, yet we never let each other forget that we still have kindred spirits out there, egging us on. We have something time nor distance can’t break. You’re amazing.

To my parents, you’re amazing. Putting up with a know-it-all brat like me is a feat. You accept with without question — even in my ugliest moods, even if I shut you out, even after I lose my phone for the nth time. You’re amazing.

And what’s better is I know there are lots more amazing people not yet mentioned in this post. Hay. I should have posts like these more often.

It’s odd that I find noise in my life comforting. Maybe it just confirms what I’ve known all along — that I’m an escapist by nature. Filling my head with things to do, then pointlessly mulling over getting them done ironically aids to keep my sanity. Because there are worse things out there than noise. It’s called TRUTH. And it bites.

Where does one get wisdom?

Never really been a fan of self-help books. I’m more interested to learn from real people’s encounters, but all these are reactive. Are we doomed to get messed up first, then learn later?

We all wish that it would be that easy — that answers fall into your lap, that the signs you ask for would be as obvious as MMDA’s ‘Walang Tawiran, Nakamamatay’, that every life-altering choice you would have to make could be decided by using some neat, nifty algorithm.

But then again, if it were that easy, then the point would be lost. I guess this is why of all species, we were given minds that can handle complex thought, so that we can cope with inherently being complex beings. Frankly, I wish God gave me a stronger heart instead, so that I can go out there and make the moves that matter, instead of just cowering and surrendering to the hammock of complacency we’ve hung for ourselves.

Why is it so hard to sit still? Why do we always have to question the state of our lives? And why is it that it is almost always certain that the answer will be unsatisfactory?

Sana monk na lang ako sa Tibet. Paging inner peace. Is it only I that think that I seriously need a shrink? Haha.

Don’t get me wrong. I am certain that I lead one of the more interesting lives. It’s one of the millions of more interesting lives out there. The fact is both uplifting and disconcerting at the same times, not to mention enlightening in so many ways.

it took an hour of wearing myself out on the treadmill to finally knock some sense into me.

i actually thought i got past my ‘moody’ phase. i think i have anger management issues. one time, i’m calm — the next, i’m nuts. at times, when the peeves rear their ugly heads, all caution & rationality goes out the window. i don’t even realize when i’m indulging myself in uber-crankiness, and i just blurt out whatever comes into mind. it’s like one messy hangover, and the guilt afterwards is hell.

i mean, i don’t get violent, but i for all people should know that words could do worse damage. this is for you, all the people who had been unfortunate enough to bump into me during one of my sungit attacks. i sincerely apologize.

sometimes, i get through okay, or i just get away with it. come to think of it, believe it or not, i’m actually an uncomplicated person. it’s just when things like pressure, expectations and feeling come into the equation that i lose grasp of sense. if only things were meant to be uncomplicated. if only questions came with answers. if only we had a unified sense of good. if only good was inevitable. if only your crush had a crush on you too, those kind of things.

damn it, someone please fix me.

life /lIf/ (n): the condition of living or the state of being alive; the quality that distinguishes a vital and functional being from a dead body

If your life consists of just getting through the day’s and hoping that tomorrow will bring less drudgery, would that qualify as life?

If your life sans eclat would boil down to simply counting down the hours until you go pffft, would that count at all?

Again, don’t mind me, I’m just rambling. It’s just ironically, now that I can call the shots to where I want to be headed, I haven’t the faintest idea on where to go, let alone what to do. How my life has simmered down to this state of limbo, I could not fathom. It’s silly, really — I don’t know if it’s just hormones or some long-suspected clinical condition, but sometimes I feel so lost and alone, that I could just spontaneously burst into tears. Now, that could be awkward if I bawl in the middle of typing. Sheesh.

Maybe it’s just because recently, nothing has recently made me happy, as in with the true sense of bliss. Nothing bad really happened, but nothing that good, either. They say life is supposed to be this big adventure, this roller coaster. Then you discover that it’s really more of a Rialto — scream all you want, but it’s just as real as you would want it to be.

Oh well, enough whining.

———————-

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. I’ll keep that in mind.

I have belief in my generation. We are to be the success story which our nation awaits. We have all the capacity to be — the right mix of idealism, cynicism, brilliance, and heart. Throw in today’s myriad of opportunities.

Bear in mind, we also can be the nation’s ultimate tragedy and disappointment. Let’s make sure it won’t be so.